The Big Give-For

In 1969 I went through unimaginable pain. Emotional pain. I lost custody of my three older children. Not because I was an unfit mother, but because I thought the world was fair and that others would see truth as I saw it. My naiveté allowed me to believe in the myth that what I saw as good always wins.

Filled with anger and grief I began the long journey of finding out who I was and why I was a victim. My identity was based on my motherhood, stripped of that I found myself wondering the wilderness of mind, looking, and seeking answers.

I learned through the Prospero’s class called Releasing the Hidden Splendour (RHS), to release the anger and grief and give up the identity of victim. Like all self-discovery it took more than one year or perhaps one lifetime to come to terms with who I was at the core of my being.

In my work I found that I was angry with my children (and their father) for abandoning me, or so it felt like. My parents were also targets of my anger and pain. However, it was not until 1984 that the full impact of the idea of victim came to be the center of my attention. My daughter died from a horrendous disease, quickly and unexpectedly. Once again I found myself angry and in pain. I was a victim without recourse. I needed to know why once again I had been abandoned.

My self-work intensified. At the depth of my soul I wanted retribution for the pain and anger I felt. Using the tools of RHS once more I came to some astonishing insights.

Somehow like many others I had felt that I could change the past. I understood consciousness and taught it. I felt it was malleable and would reform the memories as I gave up the anger and pain. But we can’t and don’t change the past. We change how we relate to it. Unless we are willing to let go of our old relationships to memories, deeds, and emotions we will continue to relate in the same manner.

To give up all relationships and how we relate to memories is to give-for or forgive. In other words we cannot forgive because the past remains the same. But if we change how we relate we can forgive.

Forgiveness is a gift. No one can give you the power of forgiveness; no one can take the power of forgiveness from you. Forgiveness is yours to give. Forgiveness takes no other participant but you.

Forgiveness, giving up old walls that lock us into past resentments, anger, and pain, is self-healing. We heal from our emotional and physical wounds in ways that we never understood. We are liberated from our pain and bitterness; liberated from being a victim of our own consciousness. We become self empowered.

All victims feel hopeless and powerless. We instinctively know we cannot change our past circumstances only how we relate to it. When we release the pain we step into a realm of unlimited consciousness, into areas of life we could not know existed because of the emotional walls we built around our self, trying to survive and protect our feeling of powerlessness.

If you have ever been a victim, are angry, resentful, and searching contact me at for seminars in your area of the world or get in touch with for a list of seminars and teaching Mentors in your region.

© Suzanne Deakins from Radical Forgiveness available on

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