The End of Wanting and Gift of Love today on ACIM Gather at Paltalk at 3 Pm Pacific time, 6 pm Eastern time. Please join us for an hour of exploration and discovery in an atmosphere of love.
When I was 13 I desired to know why the world was as it is. In my 20s I desired to be loved and adored and found to be worthy of having a good life. By my 30s and 40s I felt the desire to leave a legacy… something to be remembered by. These moments of desire came with epiphanies. Epiphanies came as moments when I had insight into a kind of cosmic answer of order. Like the moment I realized I could love all life that I was not confounded to box called love, given to me in my youth. It was when I realized to be loved I must love myself first.
When my children passed I wanted another epiphany, a moment of meaning and relief from the pain. No amount of meditation or prayer brought it to me. Each time I dwelt on the reasons I was filled with further pain. Walking down 8th Street in the village in NYC it finally came. There was no meaning; there was no insight and no relief from pain. There were no shooting stars or great symphonies playing in my mind or life. No moments of blindness in the realization. There was a quiet letting go. A simple quiet tear fell, this was all there was to life. What I was willing to make it. If there was a higher source of love and being it dwelt in my muddled mind waiting to be let out.
When I realized only I could give meaning to my life. I stopped desiring that which had always been readily available. I stopped desiring to know, to be loved, and have relief. For the first time in my life I had a moment of true piece. I was no longer thinking in a binary way, but rather knew all that was subsisted within the realm of my ability to think. In my thinking there was no longer right or wrong in a traditional manner, good or bad, white or black, but rather an infinite shades of Truth permeating my whole universe. I no longer felt the need to rectify my existence or try to validate my family or my life.
In short I stopped desiring and wanting and started living. I started being, just being. Nothing is more peaceful more comforting than just being. No need to want or desire something more than what has been and is. When I look back I know I would not change my life. As I grow older there is a comfort in knowing I just am. No need to judge my life or contribution to the world, no need for a legacy, no need to know there is something beyond this state of consciousness.
When we be let go of the fear of being neutral of needing to desire, know, and want we begin a life journey in a way that is unpredictably. We give up thinking either or and let go of our binary way of thinking. This leads us to a greater peace, a greater moment of existing in a fear free moment of just being.
Perhaps the greatest realization of all is the moment we grasp death may be the largest epiphany of all.
From Sexual Fluidity @ 2016-2018
By Suzanne Deakins